just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I love having hate sex.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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