I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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