If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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