you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
