You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
