Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
