Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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