you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
