Me too!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
