Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
