I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I love you.
Bad choice
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
