can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
