apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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