FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
