sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
