I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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