Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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