Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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