I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
