if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
