whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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