I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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