Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you had me at cake vodka
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
