I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
