So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
