I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
