Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
