I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
