She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
