he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
