Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
