Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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