dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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