Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
