They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
