I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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