it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
