Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
