Define "chronic" masturbator.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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