Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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