New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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