My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
