Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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