Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
