Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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