You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
