either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm like, not good at living.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
