somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
