dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
