I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
